FNL RECAP: To pursue or not to pursue?

Do you recall the time when you had your very first date? Was it the most exhilarating and spectacular event of your life or the most awkward and embarrassing situation in your life?

Many of us, undoubtedly, have experienced that rush of a first date and the excitement of a new prospective relationship with another person. A lot of us as well have gone through the disappointment of having to go through a date with someone we cannot stand or even having to cope with bad memories of a once possibly beautiful relationship turn sour in a moment’s passing.

The dating game for millennials nowadays has drastically changed. Because of the fast-paced, internet-based, in-your-face, and self-centered case of our cultural context, we have resorted to a “test-the-waters” approach to see if there lies a possibility of something good; we go to “hook-up” with potential partners just to see if there is “chemistry”. Invariably, this will almost always lead to unbearable bothersome uncertainty and in my observation, results in a lot of unnecessary pain, paralyzing confusion, and incredibly debilitating views and approaches to relationships.

Thankfully we have the Word of God as aid, instruction, encouragement, correction, and guidance to our personal faith walks and journeys in life (2 Timothy 3:16) and that of course includes our love life as well. So whether you are single, in a relationship, engaged, married, or just waiting on a miracle (!), read on for a couple of dating principles from the Holy Scriptures and hopefully you’ll get a good grasp of whether or not you are ready to pursue or be pursued, and what it’ll look like once you are there.

FRIENDSHIP in the context of COMMUNITY

In my quest to seek wisdom for Godly dating relationships, I have found that we singles often bypass one crucial and significant aspect of dating relationships: we’ve foregone, in my opinion, the most important aspect which is the FRIENDSHIP. Any and all Godly dating relationships are founded and grounded on a solid firm friendship.

Proverbs 17:17 ESV

“A friend loves at all times,

and a brother is born for adversity.”

Too often do we go for gold right away: we eagerly strive to go into a committed relationship with someone without first getting to know that someone in the context of a friendship. What results is either disappointment once you discover certain aspects of the relationship that are not really working or worse, after a break-up ensues, you stay embittered and unforgiving towards each other. In this manner of dating, two strategies of BFF are often relied on:

A) BEST FRIEND FOREVER strategy : this occurs when one or the other party is put into an extreme status of friendship wherein there is absolutely no-holds-barred on sharing of personal space, information, and time. Consequentially, the victim is bound forever in the “friend-zone” because of a lack of constraint in relational privacy and closeness. The term in Filipino is rightly called “nambabakod” since the suitor is relentless in wanting to pursue and brings everything in the suitcase available just to win the potential partner.

B) BEST FOOT FORWARD strategy : this occurs when one or the other party showcases his or her best traits because they know that each one is looking to impress and captivate their potential partner. Always wanting to exhibit their better traits and hide their lesser traits, they put on a front so that the person they are trying to court would indeed reciprocate. This ends up often in a false depiction of the person and disappointment due to unreal expectations.

This is why God created communities (groups with common interests and pursuits) that we can learn to grow in and grow through our friendships with other people, including the opposite gender. These are the collective gatherings of individuals who aspire for something, perhaps of the same calling or vocation, the same career or ministry pathway, or just as simple as having the same hobbies. The main point is that a friendship that is developed, cultivated, and nurtured in the context of a community would more likely yield to a more authentic, grounded, platonic, and lovely relationship.

It is in the midst of such friendships that individuals get to encounter people of different backgrounds, interests, fields, and passions that really serve to expand and grow the person to whom these friendships belong. One aspect of it is that one gets to APPRECIATE or ADMIRE certain attributes and characteristics worth celebrating and upholding, the other being one gets to be WARNED or WARY of certain attributes and characteristics worth correcting in love or simply learning from as an example. I coin this the AW Principle, whether you’d be inclined to “aww!” (that was cute) or “aww” (that was not-so-nice).

Courtship and the Pursuit

So having FRIENDSHIPS in the context of a COMMUNITY to start with, you now have to prayerfully discern whether or not you are ready to pursue or be pursued. But before that, a disclaimer to some of you: if God has put you into a season that is not yet ripe to be in a committed relationship towards marriage, this verse is for you:

Song of Solomon 2:7 ESV

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem,

 by the gazelles or the does of the field,

that you not stir up or awaken love

until it pleases.

If you are somehow at a time that it would not permit for you to really invest your time talent and treasure into a serious dating relationship, then my counsel is to withhold it until a proper time. This is true for those of you who might still be finishing your studies, having a transition of moving to another city or work place, or just having a career path that requires you to travel or be away on extended periods of time; there are countless of other reasons why it may not be time yet and that is why this should be decided on with the utmost prayer and backed up by wise counsel and advice from Godly leaders, mentors, and friends.

2 Timothy 2:22 ESV

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

If on the other hand you are a Twenty Something starting out in your career and trying to live and work in a steady pace, then by all means, I would advise you to start praying and thinking about such things as pursuing and planning for that season of your life (if God has given you the desire to have a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage). For the millennials, these are the income-generating and capital-saving decades of our lives and mostly where the ‘infrastructure’ of our future pursuit, calling, and vocation will come into play. So as early as now, it would actually be good to start considering these things.

Finally, it all boils down to one virtue and a question--which helps in having a self-check, heart-check, and character-check—in really discerning if you are ready for the pursuit of a mate:

Ask yourself:

“Am I grounded in the Lord that I can pursue a relationship that won’t lead me on the

path of idolatry (worshipping something or someone above God),

immorality (disobeying God’s ways),

and spousal-worship (placing potential partners as functional saviors who try to satisfy us)?”

And I’ll leave you with this,

“Focusing on Christ as your first love is crucial in making any dating relationship work towards marriage. The closer each of you is to God, the closer He leads you towards each other (tri-angular approach to relationships with God being the axis point).”

There is no cookie-cutter prerequisite and structured story to any dating relationship. Each individual has his or her own story being weaved into a tapestry that is made holy and lovely by God himself. If you are in this season of life whether you are deciding to pursue or not to pursue, keep in mind and heart that God is in control, even of your relationships, but at the same time you have a part in pursuing God.